mid winter rant

Sometimes winter hurts. Even for those who have shelter, heat, warm clothing and food. Sometimes winter hurts because you skin, your mind, your body, your heart CRAVE sun.

I want to lie down on a beach and feel good. I want to feel the sun touch my skin and warm my core. I'm sitting here, recovering from the flu with a warm sweater, scarf, boots. On a couch in a relatively warm apartment. But I want real warmth.

I'm at that point in a flu where you're almost better. You're better than you were but you're still a little foggy and maybe depressed. Maybe I want people around me. Breathing, loving bodies. What do you do when you're in this state? It's hard to work, although I have a lot of work.

You can't really go out at all because what's the point you have to finish recovering and it's cold outside. I don't want to go outside. Even if I had someone to cuddle with, this may not be the moment. I don't want to spread the germs.

I'm listening to Patti Smith and her rebellious songs are somewhat comforting. Or maybe more cathartic than comforting.

If I were at a beach, I would like to have a perfect body. But maybe it would be okay to be at the beach even without being faultless. After all it's a bit tough to have a summer bod in the middle of winter when you don't to the fake tan thing and you've been working for eight weeks straight minus one week of sickness. And plus needing to be faultless is ridiculous.

Comforting images: lying on my stomach at the beach, taking a nap.

being a rock-star quality, cool looking performer, playing the guitar and singing, (and feeling healthy)

performing is definitely something I could be doing now- maybe not as a rockstar, but if I was feeling a bit better. So really it's the feeling better that has to be taken care of.

So lacking, a hot summer beach, or a rock star prowess, maybe a nap is really the right remedy before attempting to take on work.
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