Friday, April 18, 2008

limbo... missing people

So I'm absolutely, most definitely in limbo right now.

Nothing is wrong in particular,

sure, I'm behind on work, I have a big haul of studying ahead of me and then I get to graduate from college.

For the past two years I have stood by my friends, working deligently and celebrating their success.

This year it is my turn and I miss the celebrating. A party of one or a party of strangers aren't quite the same.

In the past six years I buried a grandfather, a great aunt, a best friend and a dog.

In absencia, I mourned two great uncles.

A year earlier, I lost my best friend's mum, cancer, she was adopted family.

My friend's doing well now. I love her.

I have two other friends who lost parents in their teens and a best friend who lost her brother when she was twelve.

My first encounter with death that I can remember was my great-grandmother and two dogs. I loved them all. I mourned my great-grandfather too although I was only a baby when he passed away. Maybe I know him through pictures and my family's love, but I do feel that I know and love him.

My dad lost his dad before he became a dad himself.

I love him too.

because I love my dad.

And then there are the people who disappear because they move, get into a relationship, marry, change.

A lot of people change. Everyone changes. Including myself. And we don't all change alike. And we don't all change together. And we don't always have access to each other via hug or speed dial. So the conundrum repeats when you feel lonely, and want love beside you and don't know where to turn.

But half the time the loneliness is in your head.

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