Monday, July 28, 2008

Writing: An impossible Task?

What is the difference between writing worth sharing with other people and writing that's private? What belongs in a personal journal or a blog, and what should be shared in a class or submitted for publication? It's a strange line. Granted I would like work presented to other people to be good, and what I keep for myself requires no qualification. Does writing for therapeutic reasons, sugest that none of the results are good writing? Does feeling the need to write mean that it's best for me to write and write and write and then focus on crafting the produced material? Can this process produce cohesive writing? Can it feel like a seamless finished product?

The danger of slow writing, of editing while initially writing instead of revising work after a draft is written, is that focusing on writing perfectly can cause paralysis. If I focus on wanting something perfect to be perfect, it can be hard to write anything, to start writing. If I settle for just writing something, it's endlessly frustrating to enjoy the feeling that of needing to present crap. Am I mature enough to write? Do I need to wait until I'm more collected? Will that ever happen? Or, do I need to work my craft- suck it up and turn in something, and slowly work at improving it...

Why am I so moody? And if it is established, accepted and inevitable for me to be moody, how can I manage my time to be able to make deadlines? On two different days for god knows what reason, I can write a polished A-worthy paper in two hours, and on another, I can spend 15 hours writing barely passable crap. I don't question the alternating moods and ability to concentrate any longer. I only look to manage it. But if writing is constant heartbreak, can I continue trying to do it? And if most of the things I care about are constantly heartbreaking, how can I afford to not do them? Even if I can't do everything I want to do when I want to do it, I should still try. I need take my chunk of the world, my chunk of skill, and try to do as much good as I can with it... without giving up.

Pererverence is hard to remember when I'm trying to pull a rainstorm from sunshine, or sunshine from a cloud, but weather changes, and so do my moods. I hope that somewhere down the line, I'll learn to manage my moods and concentration, and I'll float and fight through whatever comes my way with some kind of product to show for it. I hope to someday have a list of positive contributions next to my name. Or maybe I'm looking at it all wrong. Maybe only right now matters. But how can I really believe that?

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